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Bitch Details     10/22/2009  
 
 

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LATE ASS MOVIE REVIEW: DRAG ME TO HELL - NO, SERIOUSLY, PLEASE DRAG ME TO HELL  by Norm Siskel 10/22/2009 at 13:18
A talking animated goat, flying illegal immigrants, an eyeball in a piece of cake, a kitty murder, corpse slime, projectile blood vomit: Someone let the interns get their hands on this script. I didn't think anything was ever going to top "Soul Plane", for worst movie of all time, but this piece of shit gives it a run for its money. Where to begin...

The movie starts off somewhat promising: A mexican kid drug to hell by some beast. I can get behind that. The rest of the movie = pure garbage. An old toothless ninja gypsy proceeds to open a six-pack of whoop-ass on "Christine", a little cutey pie brunette-turned-blonde they picked to be the main character. After a comical fight sequence, something you'd expect from a Jackie Chan flick, the hag puts a curse on Christine, plucking a button from her coat. This whole throwdown takes place because Christine wouldn't grant her an extension on her home loan. Trying to impress her douchebag boss by making "tough decisions". Now that's how you keep a story relevant, bring home loans and banks into it.

Christine then consults a psychic, an Arab or Indian dude, in a shop on the street. He tells her she's cursed. Very convenient that Christine somehow manages to stumble into one of the only "Psychic Reading" shops in the world actually run by a true psychic and not some money-grubbing hack. The psychic tells her that a "blood offering" might appease the Lamia, the demon stalking her. I prefer to call the demon the "Labia". Much more accurate.

After shooting blood from her face at her boss at the bank, she heads home for the day. No trip to the E.R. to investigate the gallon of blood she just puked up, Christine is craving some Ben & Jerry's. The Labia then makes another appearance. Apparently the Labia disapproved of her kitchen layout, as the demon rattled her pots and pans around before bitch-slapping Christine a few times. She then kills her kitten with a butcher knife, the most satisfying scene in the movie. Especially satisfying as she proclaimed herself a member of PETA earlier. Nice touch. Of course this doesn't work, the Labia wants Christine's snatch, nothing else will suffice. She then buries the cat, wasting perfectly good Kitty Beef.

So what does she do next? The obvious, she goes to the Gypsy's house to apologize. After stumbling through the party, the corpse of the Gypsy falls on her, vomits green slime into her mouth, and she is asked to leave by the smokin' hot gypsy daughter. What happened? The scissoring scene with the gypsy daughter didn't even make the un-rated cut? WTF? Apparently the old gypsy woman was never arrested after assaulting the bank worker in the bank parking garage, which involved multiple vehicles being destroyed as well. I guess the gypsy grandma had some connections downtown? Perhaps she popped those fake teeth out and gum-jobbed the right judge?

Regardless, a corpsified gypsy nympho hag can't forgive Christine. Time to get back to the Psychic, who this time takes her to a Labia expert he happens to know. They hold a séance, in order summon the Labia. Christine turns to the psychic and says "I'm scared", he replies "Yes". Top-notch writing! The Labia proceeds to posses the old lady running the séance, a goat, and finally a random wetback they had in the room (presumably the gardener?) before being vanquished. The old lady collapses, the psychic administers CPR for a few seconds to her SHOULDER, then declares her dead and closes her eyes. This guy should have been an EMT. Amazing work Doogie.

SNAP! I guess you can't kill a Labia with a séance. I guess Christine is still going to have to die. Oh, but WAIT. It gets better. The psychic then tells Christine "there is another way, the Labia comes for the owner of the button, give the button away and you are free of the spirit". Awesome. Christine could have just given it to someone else the whole time. Thanks for sharing that information now dipshit, since she has already murdered a kitten, spat blood in her bosses face, and killed a perfectly good Labia expert.

What follows (the end sequence to this film) was clearly written by someone’s child. The button is placed in an envelope, conveniently dropped next to some other envelopes in boyfriends car, and accidently swapped with the wrong envelope. Christine then gives the wrong envelope back to the dead Gypsy after digging up her grave and a little impromptu synchronized swimming with the corpse. Poor Christine (and any complete fucktards watching this movie) then think she is free of the curse.

Now the final scene: Who has the real envelope with the button in it? Christine's boyfriend who decides to hand it to her at the train station. Enter the Labia who forces her onto the tracks, and drags her to hell as boyfriend watches. A true cult classic in the making.

Now, there are some of you that can't accept how truly shitty this movie is, and you want to make up other hidden meanings of the movie. Like: Christine was crazy, she wanted attention, had food issues, it was all in her mind, etc. There are also some of you that love the tool who wrote/directed this movie so much that you can't accept he could make a horrible movie. I know it's difficult, but peal your lips off dudes cock and accept reality: This movie sucks sweaty, salty, vinegary, gypsy balls.
   

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