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Bitch Details     2/1/2006  
 
 

  JUNE 2012  
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GOLF: THAT JACKASS IN THE OTHER GROUP  by Norm Mickelson 2/1/2006 at 11:19
Every few rounds I encounter this jackass. He is either in the group ahead of me, or behind me. These are his characteristics:

He insists on raking the sandtrap for like 5 minutes, even if he just barely stepped in it. What is he doing? Building a sand castle? Maybe if he felt the business end of that rake up against his cranium he’d move a little quicker?

He always brings and old woman and a child, as well. This way every time the group tees off, they get to tee from every available tee box. If there was a tee for pets, he’d bring his yellow-lab and lodge a wood in his arse in an attempt to drive one deep--Oh wait, he already does that--AT HOME when the wife isn’t looking.

This guy also insists at yelling at you from the tee box, because you are not moving quickly enough for him. Can he not see the group ahead of you on the green? Does his eyesight fail him with anything over 200 yards? Are his $300 Oakley’s not working their magic? If so, maybe golfing should not be on his "to-do" list. Making things worse, when you approach him to "politely" discuss his teebox antics, he no longer has anything to say, gets in his cart, and drives away. 2 seconds ago he was going to have a coronary because you hadn’t hit your 2nd shot within the window he alloted, now he is content with just leaving the course and not playing at all.

Have you ever seen a PGA Pro size up a 70 foot eagle putt to win the Masters? I have-- every time this jackass has a 3-footer. I seriously hope this tool is building a replica of this course in his back yard, because I can’t see any other possible reason for the excruciating detail at which he is measuring and analyzing the greens.

While we are talking about the greens, how come the 3 other douches in that group are just standing there yapping while he putts? Why don’t they get ready to make their own laughable attempts at the cup? They all putt like a sober John Daly anyway, so let’s get a move on!

Sometimes this jackass is Grandpa. He is 270 yards out, with a 4-iron in his hands. He stands there waiting to hit, because people are still on the green. What f’d up world is this guy living in, where he thinks he is going to make the green in 2 on a Par 5 anyway? Maybe in 1962, but Pops, it isn’t going to happen today. Kindly skip the ball up the course 3-4 more times as you have been doing all day so you can’t get out of our way.

It doesn’t stop there, this jackass also signals for the cart-girl every time she drives by. Would it be too much to ask if he just got everything he needed the first couple of times she came by? Or at the very least, can’t he try to seduce the leather-faced cart-vixen somewhere other than right next to the green?

Another thing this needle-di#k does, he constantly hits his ball into the 6-foot tall bushy area. It then takes him, and his "search party" 5-10 additional minutes to find his ball. Hey ass-wipe! In the interest of time how about you stop searching, drop a ball, and we all pretend you found it? Do you see a PGA rules official? I don’t... If you can afford the $100 the round cost, surely you can afford to lose a buck on that ball.

One more thing, this guy goes back and forth to his bag more times than a crack addict. It isn’t that hard to choose a club. First, find a yardage marker or look on the GPS, then look at your lie, choose a shot, and grab a club. Why does he insist on walking back and forth to the cart 40-yards away 5 times per shot? Is he doing lines off the ice-chest? It’s painful to watch. It is like I am watching the deleted scenes from "Tin Cup"...

One thing is certain in all of this: This jackass will continue to be beaten down on courses around the world until he sees the error of his ways, or is impaled by a blade putter, whichever comes first.
   

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