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FEBRUARY 2010

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THINGS TO REALIZE BEFORE ELECTION DAY by President Norm	11/6/2006 at 10:02

Here we go again. Election Day is tomorrow, so that can only mean one thing: We are currently standing on the summit of Mt. Bullshit. Having seen countless political ads in the past few months, I strangely find myself arriving back where I began: All Politicians are liers & cheaters. *I just hope the voters realize a few things before tomorrow:* Don't Believe Everything You See On TV!: Just because one of the candidates raised more $$$ for TV commercials than the other is not a reason to vote for them. In fact, do the opposite. Just think about it ...

THE PROPER WAY TO TURN LEFT WITHOUT A SPECIAL LEFT TURNING LANE by Officer Norm	10/19/2006 at 10:45

* Notice how the car on the right allows ample room for other vehicles to be able to get by and make a right turn? This is the desired objective. It is entirely possible to make your left turn without making the rest of us wait behind you with nothing to do but read all of your bible-thumper bumper-stickers.

THE PUNCH WE WISH WE ALL THREW by Norm Moakler	10/5/2006 at 15:12

Finally! Someone has done what we have all wanted to do for years! Paris Hilton was punched in the face (story)! Shanna Moakler , you are my hero, or should I say, heroine! Now, if we could only get Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton alone in a room with some weapons... I can see it now: "The Nightvision Heiress" Vs. "Firecrotch", Live on Pay-Per-View, this Saturday night...

HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE DC SEX SCANDALS by Norm Clinton	10/5/2006 at 11:15

Do you remember that time when President Bill Clinton got a BJ from a fatty intern and the entire Republican party made a big fuss about it, diverting millions of dollars of public money and completely shifting the National focus toward it? If you were sane during this time period, you probably thought the same thing the rest of us sane people thought: "Who the F$CK cares, don't we have more important $hit to worry about!". It sure would have been nice if the Clinton Administration would have had more time to focus on stuff that matters, like ...

SPINACH IS ON THE LOOSE! by Norm	9/22/2006 at 10:01

SAY IT AIN'T SO! SPINACH HAS STRUCK AGAIN! Once again Americans are being terrorized by that deadly cold-blooded killer, Spinach. No one knows what prompted Spinach to start this deadly rampage. I believe we need to look back to Spinach's early days to get these answers... Spinach has always been very unappreciated. Some have even called Spinach a "weed". However, under the surface, most people did not know that Spinach was actually the best of the vegetables. I believe this caused deep-seeded resentment in Spinach, ultimately resulting in these horrific deaths. Spinach started off strong into adulthood, spring-boarded into stardom ...

IS YOUR FAMILY’S LAST NAME "DOUCHE"? by Norm	9/8/2006 at 10:02

Do you have a sticker that looks like this on the back window of your mini-van? If so, your family's new last name is "Douche"... I highly suggest that you and your family go down to the Office of Vital Records and formally change your last name to "Douche". Not only would that last name be more appropriate for your family, but it would save the rest of us a lot of valuable time determining your complete douche-ness in other more time consuming ways (such as listening to you yap over your bluetooth headset while in line at the ...

MY "FREE BULLETS FOR FANTASY FOOTBALL ENTHUSIASTS" PROGRAM by Norm	9/6/2006 at 15:11

It's that time of year again. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? Are you ready for hours on end of John Madden blabbing about every obvious football rule, or random factoid? How about Mike Tirico trying to act cool like he's one of the guys? I know I'm ready. There is only one thing worse than enduring the commentators during an NFL broadcast, and that is: *Hearing all of the fantasy football douches talk about football during the week at the office.* First, let's just cover what fantasy football is... It's a bunch of losers who get together, have ...

NBF CAPTIONED PICS! by Norm	8/14/2006 at 11:04

"No, seriously, I kid the jews" 2 seconds later Britney exclaimed: "I TOLD YOU HE IS LIKE A LITTLE BOBBLEHEAD!" All is now right in the world as Boy George finally assumes a job that is appropriate for his talent-level. Under new airport security guidelines a mother quips "I feel like a bag lady, somebody get me a bottle of whiskey and a shopping cart so I can complete the transformation". Can someone please explain to me how a picture of a bikini-clad woman is related to football injuries? After that, be sure to explain it to ...

SHAKED AND BAKED! by Norm Bobby	8/10/2006 at 15:22

OUTRAGE! The best line from the trailer of Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby was cut from the movie!!! The line was "I can't control my heart rate, I've got a cougar on me!". I've seen the trailer probably 20 times and I still laugh when I see that part. However, someone got the bright idea to cut it from the movie. When the movie gets to that scene, it abruptly switches locations to a new scene, without the hysterical line! It almost ruined the movie for me! I thought the projector malfunctioned or something. ...

MEL GIBSON EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW! by Norm	8/3/2006 at 14:10

NBF was able to catch up with actor/writer/director Mel Gibson this morning. Mel is currently under fire for anti-semitic comments made to officers during a DUI arrest earlier this week. This is a transcript of Mel's first fictionalized interview since his arrest: *NBF:* Welcome Mr. Gibson, or can I call you "Mel"? *Mel:* You can call me whatever the f%ck you want, as long as it doesn't sound too Jewish (laughs). *NBF:* Glad to see you are light-hearted about the situation. Would you like some coffee, or perhaps a chilled water? *Mel:* Nah. I'll take a Scotch though. Or a Whiskey if ...

NBF CAPTIONED PICS! by Norm	7/24/2006 at 10:24

Anne Coulter makes her best effort to show us her "smug face". Bush, seen here, second guessing his recent veto on the "stem-cell" bill. Condi: "Yes, come here my darling. Embrace me, join with us and you shall live forever! Don't worry, soon you will be able to feed. Muwwhaaa!!!" Don't you hate people who can't even live by their own advice? Hawking wastes 10 whole seconds of brain power that he could be using to solve the mysteries of the universe when he realizes he has "never had an asian". An embedded journalist snaps a photo ...

STOP REPORTING NEWS ABOUT THE ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN CONFLICT! by Norm Yasa-Meir-Nadav	7/12/2006 at 09:49

Honestly, is the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict even "news" at this point? I for one am getting sick and tired of hearing about this whole situation. When will people finally learn that this will never end? These people LIKE to hate each other, and they LIKE conflict. You don't have to be Carlos Mencia to know that Spanish people have bad tempers, and Israeli's and Palestinian's are world-renowned bickerers! It's the same story over and over again. This is the typical timeline: Monday: Truce declared, Peace for all. Someone else enters running for Nobel Peace Prize. Tuesday: Random car-bombing, supposedly not related to ...

THE BITCH TRIFECTA: PIXAR MOVIES, SPEED BUMPS AND WIPER 101 by Norm	7/5/2006 at 10:18

Pixar (CGI Cartoons): There is yet another one of these computer generated cartoons in theaters. This time it is talking cars. I liked this idea better the first time around, when it was called Transformers, or Knight Rider. These "movies" are all the same. You take some inanimate object, or some creature, and render it in the computer. Then you add a celebrity voice (someone on the verge of dropping to the D-List is preferable). Finish it off with a bunch of cheesy dumbed-down "jokes" and have the characters stumble through the movie like buffoons--and there you have it: ...

THE DOORS-GEICO CONNECTION by Norm On Acid	6/21/2006 at 12:57

Ok, am I the only one that has noticed the Geico caveman (from the commercials) looks exactly like an age-ed Jim Morrison, as portrayed by Val Kilmer in "The Doors"? The resemblance is SPOOKY! I mean, this looks like it could be a future Val Kilmer mugshot, or a police sketch of how Jim could look today! Making things even stranger, Geico's mascot is a gecko, which is a type of lizard. Jim Morrison was known to many as "The Lizard King"! If the next Geico commercial features "Light My Fire", or any other Doors song--hell, even cheesy keyboards--I am ...

SUNDAYS SPORTS SHOCKERS by Norm MickelWitzki	6/19/2006 at 10:09

Phil Mickelson & The US Open: Phil Mickelson stood on the 72nd hole of the US open, with a 2 shot lead, and lost. It happened. It happens. This is Golf. What really gets me is how the announcers (mainly Johnny Miller) and sportswriters monday-morning quarterback'ed every decision Phil made. On top of that, they even made up quotes and invoked the dead to support their weak-ass commentary! After Phil's wayward drive, which bounced off a hospitality tent on the left side in the junk, the announcers said "Why would he pull driver on this hole, it just ...

THE GREAT SOCCER CONSPIRACY by Norm Beckham	6/15/2006 at 15:17

Is it just me or does it seem like everywhere you turn there is an advertisement or incentive of some sort for American's to get into Soccer? I've seen a few hundred World Cup commercials in the past few days and I keep thinking to myself "I didn't know we cared about Soccer in America". I have a Conspiracy Theory: I think the rest of the world is tired of getting their asses kicked by America, so they decided they would put all of their time/effort/money into getting really really really badass at soccer. Now that their kids are pretty ...

NBF HEADLINE TRANSLATION by Just Norm	6/6/2006 at 10:39

I was looking at the various news websites this morning, and I came up with this idea. Here are some NBF translations to real headlines pulled from the top news agencies! The Headline: Study says 16 million have 'road rage' disorder NBF Headline: Study shows there are only 16 million good drivers left in America The Headline: Eminem settles ringtone lawsuit NBF Headline: Eminem decides ringtone versions of his songs sound better than originals The Headline: Is the U.S. Northern Border Vulnerable? NBF Headline: Is there any possible way to deport Canadians too? Goddamn 'snow-backs'. The Headline: MySpace Threat Gets Teen In Trouble NBF Headline: Pimply-Faced ...

SERIOUSLY, WHO GIVES A RATS ASS ABOUT KATIE COURIC? by Norm R Murrow	6/2/2006 at 10:38

It's the one thing on the front page of every newspaper and newssite in the Country right now: Katie F'in Couric. I for one am growing annoyed by the fact that anyone gives a rats ass about this "news anchor". Everyone is acting like she is the golden-God of news or something. SHE WORKED ON THE TODAY SHOW for f%cks sake!!! Honestly, who cares if she is moving from one show to another? At this point I wish the media would catch Michael Jackson dry-humping Natalie Holloway's corpse in O.J. Simpson's guest house. At least then there would be ...

BARRY BONDS HAS MORE TALENT THAN BABE RUTH IN HIS STOOL by Norm Bonds	5/25/2006 at 16:02

Look, I'm not in the Barry Bonds Fan Club, I don't have #45 jerseys on my wall, and I don't like the Giants. I just have eyes, a brain, and the ability to think cognitively. Barry Bonds has been mentally and physically committed to becoming the best baseball player in the world for around 30 years now. Factor in the fact that he has, uh, DNA, that is also beneficial to athletic prowess, you have the recipe for a monster (not Frankenstein, more like the Hulk with an eye for a curveball...). Babe Ruth? Yeah, he played in the 20's ...

IS IT AMERICAN IDOL OR AMERICAN GRANDPA? by Norm The Anti-Seacrest	5/24/2006 at 14:44

Ok, first of all, let's get one thing straight: American Idol is TV fecies. I don't watch this crap, nor do I recommend watching it. In fact, if you see this show on your TV, remove the channel from your guide so you can never accidentally land on it again. If you can't do that, because it is too technical for you, simply throw a brick through your TV screen. I know I am late out of the gate on this one, but WHY IS JAY LENO (or perhaps George Clooney's bloated down-syndrome stricken brother?) competing on American Idol ...

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