NormsBitchFest.com (NBF) - Bitching, Ranting, Raving, Reviews, Fake News, Comedy

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Bitch Database FULL

FEBRUARY 2010

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NBF IS BACK ONLINE! by Norm	5/18/2006 at 18:20

NBF is finally back online! The site was down for 3-5 days (depending on what part of the world you log on from)! The problem was caused by yet another outage from our web-host (bastards...). I am happy to report that we have moved to a new web-hosting provider! Of course moving servers can be a pain in the a$$: I had to update the nameservers (which takes 48 hours, nothing I can do about that), rebuild email accounts, update some of the code, etc... Now that NBF is back online, expect some more bitching ASAP...

THE ’DA VINCI CODE’ IS THE DEVIL by Norm Howard	5/11/2006 at 11:50

It appears that the Vatican, as well as other major Christian churches are fighting a holy war against the new movie "The Da Vinci Code". Church officials are calling for a worldwide boycott of the book/film. I was able to secure an interview with a top-ranking Vatican official, Cardinal Takesit Tooseriously. NBF: Cardinal, thank you for taking some time out of your busy day damning the "Da Vinci Code" to speak with us. Cardinal TT: Not a problem. We always have time for NormsBitchFest here at the Vatican. NBF: Let's get to it then: The Church is accusing this ...

I’M TIRED OF PLAYING COPS AND DOCTORS by Norm Watching TV	5/9/2006 at 12:19

Why is it that every damn show on T.V. right now is about cops or doctors? These are (2) types of people I try to avoid in my real life, so why the hell would I want to watch this crap with my limited entertainment time? How many of these shows do we really need? Every one of these shows is exactly the same too: The Cop Shows: There are like 4-5 cops in a police station, eating donuts and drinking way too much "black" coffee, talking about their broken marriages. A call comes over the radio. The cops arrive on ...

SOME ZINGERS FOR YOUR EXIT INTERVIEW by Norm	5/5/2006 at 12:10

Plan on quiting your job soon? If you have ever left one job for another, you know that the "exit interview" is often the most interesting part of the process. This is time set aside with your boss and/or a Human Resources representative to discuss "why" you are leaving, and get your take on various aspects of the company. This is time to have fun, and I highly recommend making up issues/complaints about the company and your soon-to-be ex-co-workers. Here are some ideas for things to say during your exit interview: - I want to start off by saying that ...

MOVIE IN A MINUTE: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN by Norm	5/3/2006 at 02:48

This is a new segment I am calling "Movie In A Minute". Yeah, I know, sometimes it might actually be 2 minutes, 3 minutes or even 30 seconds, but you get the point! The first movie to be abridged? Of course: Brokeback Mountain. ENJOY! - WATCH THE MOVIE Warning: This movie is Rated "R"!

NBF CAPTIONED PICS! by Norm AGAIN	5/1/2006 at 12:25

Anna Nicole Smith enters the final phase of Trimspa’s "Look Just Like Jacko" diet plan. Panic erupts as a woman tries to purchase the last chicken on earth not stricken with "bird flu". Dolphins commit suicide and drift ashore as part of the May 1st illegal immigration protests. Sailors and dock workers reportedly hear them squealing "¡Sí, Se Puede!" in their death throes. President Bush has decided that he will no longer have press conferences. Instead, all questions will be answered via email by Wekesa and Sefu, outsourced workers based in Africa. Karl Rove quips "Which hand ...

MAKE YOUR OWN MASTERCARD PRICELESS COMMERCIAL by Norm	4/26/2006 at 18:16

Looks like the clowns at MasterCard didn’t learn from Chevy’s "Make Your Own Tahoe Commercial" mistake! You can now create your own MasterCard "Priceless" commercial online at www.priceless.com. This time around you can’t send the commercial via email to your friends (bastards), so I had to record mine as a digital video file. You can download mine HERE!

BRITNEY ABOUT TO LEARN TOUGHEST OF LIFE’S LESSONS by Norm Timber-line	4/26/2006 at 10:42

Well, it’s pretty much official, in true white-trash fashion, Britney is knocked up again. And to make matters worse, apparently it is another spawn of the Feder-douche. Britney is about to learn one of life’s toughest lessons: Two wrongs do not make a right. Even if the wrongs happen to slide out of your innards. What is worse than one Feder-child? Yep. Two. Once this creature is shat out of Brit, it will pretty much ensure the propagation of Federline DNA in future generations of our species, barring a total disaster (Government, this is where you step in ...

GOLF: THE ODYSSEY 8-BALL PUTTER by Norm Woods	4/24/2006 at 20:46

Is it just me or has golf equipment started to really get out hand? This year Odyssey is pushing their new putter, the Tri-Ball. Of course, the Tri-Ball is the next generation in putter technology, based on the tour-proven 2-Ball design (you guessed it, they added one more ball to the old design). To the right is a simulation of the putter Odyssey will be releasing in 2008, codenamed "Octa-Putter". The retail name will be the Odyssey 8-Ball Putter, or The Ocho for short... Jackasses...

THE DOUCHE TEST: BLUETOOTH HEADSETS by Norm	4/19/2006 at 11:31

The digital age has brought us many wondrous things, but there is (1) item I wish we could throw back into the techno-sea as part of my "catch and release" program: The Bluetooth wireless headset accessory. Next time you put that thing on, why don’t you look into the mirror? That headset you are wearing has 20 LED’s, each rated at somewhere around 6,000 Lumens. If the lights just stayed ON all of the time that would be one thing, but NO!, they flash ON/OFF in little patterns putting on a light show. The last time I saw something ...

ERIC CARTMAN SPEAKS OUT ON THE TOPIC OF IMMIGRATION REFORM! by Norm	4/10/2006 at 14:34

I was thinking on the topic of immigration reform earlier and I came to a dramatic conclusion: My stance is probably about the same as Eric Cartman’s. Rather than speak my own mind, let’s hear what Cartman has to say about this hornet’s nest of a hot-button issue: NBF: Cartman, or should I call you Eric? CARTMAN: Cartman is fine. Can you just ask some damn questions already? I don’t have all goddamn day to sit here and watch you pick your @ss! NBF: Let’s get down to business. How do you feel about the topic of immigration reform? CARTMAN: All of ...

MAKE YOUR OWN CHEVY TAHOE COMMERCIAL by Norm	4/6/2006 at 11:08

Chevy has a promotion running right now with The Apprentice where you can build your own Tahoe commercial. Can you see where this is going :) ? Here is the link to My Tahoe Commercial! And incase those bastards take it down, I recorded it as a video file, you can download it HERE.

JUST WHO IN THE F@@@ DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? by Sir Norm Of Scotts	4/5/2006 at 12:50

This past weekend I embarked on a quest to the magical confines of the Renaissance Festival. What is a "Renaissance Festival" you ask? The Official Answer: The Renaissance Festival is a medieval amusement park, a 12-stage theater, a 30-acre circus, an arts and crafts fair, a jousting tournament and a feast -- all rolled into one non-stop, day-long family adventure! Sounds like fun, huh? Think again. Here are my bitches about the Renaissance Festival: - It is not Halloween: You do not have to wear your Halloween costume to the festival. Should you choose to wear a costume, find something ...

STOP FORCING ME TO SIGN THE CREDIT CARD RECEIPT ON A $5 CHARGE! by Norm In Line At Wendys	4/3/2006 at 17:53

I am getting sick and tired of convenience stores, movie theaters, grocery stores, fast-food outlets, and the likes forcing me to sign the credit card receipt. How F’ing retarded is that?!!!! Do these people even know WHY we are asked to sign in the first place? It is to give the merchant the ability to CHECK our signature against the card. Honestly, when have you ever seen that happen? Maybe on a $5,000 purchase from Circuit City, but not on a $3 splurge at Mickey-D’s for some cold Chicken McNuggets! Ok, say I do sign it. Now what. They put ...

DRIVING LESSON: HOW TO PROPERLY ENTER THE LEFT TURNING LANE by Norm In The Car Behind You	4/1/2006 at 17:13

Look at the picture to your right --> If it took you longer than (1) second to determine that example "A" was correct, immediately remove your drivers’ license from your wallet, cut it up with scissors, and throw it into the nearest trash receptacle. You are no longer allowed to drive on public roadways. Another quick note: Do not begin to decelerate until your entire vehicle is in the left turning lane. Failure to do so will result in you and your girlfriend getting pistol-whipped and/or drug from your automobile into the roadway and beaten down with a random makeshift ...

BLOGCAST: MAR 2006 SHOW NO 2 by The Real Norm	3/27/2006 at 21:20

BLOGCAST DETAILS DOWNLOAD SHOW: # 2 DATE: Mar 2006 TOPIC(S): The Sopranos Return, Cheney "The Diva", Indy Car Death -- "It’s What He Would Have Wanted" TOPICAL LINKS The Sopranos - Sean Penn’s Anne Coulter Torture Doll - Dick Cheney’s Hotel Demands - IRL Decision To Race Was Wrong - NBF: New Crustacean Found In South Pacific!

NBF CAPTIONED PICS! by Norm	3/20/2006 at 13:40

After being defeated by Neo in the Matrix Trilogy, Agent Smith is finding himself in the middle of some hard times. On the topic of his hard luck, Smith says "I catch myself throwing punches at shadows sometimes. I watched Point Break the other day and when I saw his face I wanted to scissor-kick my T.V... You wouldn’t believe what I had to do last night to get change for laundry". Left: "Ok, does this one have bird flu?" Right: "How would I know, I got this job because my grandpa knows President Bush." Finally! A professional ...

TEXT MESSAGING, TEXTING, SMS by Norm	3/15/2006 at 10:14

Is this you and your friends? If it is, you are a bunch of morons. Using your cell phone’s keypad as a miniature keyboard to type stupid little messages all day to your friends is completely retarded. I see these fools all around town. In the middle of aisle at the grocery store, they stop, pull out their phone and proceed to type a dissertation to their girlfriend with a keyboard that measures 2mm across. Is it really that important? Wouldn’t a quick 30 second phone call be more efficient than 2 hours of back and forth abbreviated text ...

NEW CRUSTACEAN FOUND IN SOUTH PACIFIC! by Chef Norm	3/8/2006 at 14:47

Divers have discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific. It looks kind of like a lobster, but has fur. The creature is different enough to have its own family/genus created for it. STORY My Questions / Comments: - How long until I can get one of these bad boys at "Red Lobster"? - What will the new eating utensil look like that will be used to get that fur out of my teeth? - It is a good thing that this creature, named "Kiwa Hirsuta", does not have eyes. That way my girlfriend won’t tell me "Awww, it ...

WHERE ARE THE SWIFT BOAT VETS NOW? by Norm Kerry	3/8/2006 at 09:59

Remember the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth? Seems like nothing but a foggy memory, huh? These were Senator John Kerry’s ex-Army buddies who decided to start a smear campaign against him because they felt he was lying about his service in Vietnam (to gain an advantage in the Presidential race). The funny part about all of this, you may be asking yourself? The part that pisses me off? The last update(s) to the website were made in November, 2004. You guessed it. Election week. Mysteriously, after the election, the douches who "had to speak out" against Kerry ...

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