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I am getting sick and tired of convenience stores, movie theaters, grocery stores, fast-food outlets, and the likes forcing me to sign the credit card receipt. How F’ing retarded is that?!!!!
Look at the picture to your right -->
Is this you and your friends? If it is, you are a bunch of morons. Using your cell phone’s keypad as a miniature keyboard to type stupid little messages all day to your friends is completely retarded.
Divers have discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific. It looks kind of like a lobster, but has fur. The creature is different enough to have its own family/genus created for it. 
Remember the 
There is nothing like a friendly round of golf with friends--especially when they get tanked and you end up with the low round. The following are phrases one might expect to hear while playing a round of golf with a group of friends. However, taken out of context the remarks take on a completely different meaning. Enjoy the following Golf Innuendo:
I’ve often wondered how many women actually say "NO" to a wedding proposal? I mean, how many men even ask a woman who they think might say "no"? In this day and age, by the time a man asks it is pretty much a rhetorical question, right? Most of the time they couple is already living together, splitting finances, etc. Here are my Top Ten Things A Man Does After She Says "No" To A Marriage Proposal:
Olympic "sports" were invented by crazy people. I am sure of it. Here are some examples of things that are considered "sport" in the Winter Olympics:
How many times have you stuffed your face with pork fried rice, downed (3) glasses of soda, and uncracked your fortune cookie to read something like this: "Great wealth is around the next corner".
Every few rounds I encounter this jackass. He is either in the group ahead of me, or behind me. These are his characteristics:
Have you seen THIS car before? I sure have. If this is what your car looks like, then read the following NOTICE TO PEOPLE DRIVING A CAR WITH EXCESSIVE BUMPER STICKERS:
Going to the big game is supposed to be fun, right? Then why is it that everytime I go I end up almost pummelling 40 people? THIS IS WHY:
Hoodie-Set, Plush Velour, Jumpsuit: It doesn’t matter what you call this outfit--It is a SWEAT SUIT. Under no circumstances is it ok to wear this in ensemble in public.
The IDIOT(s): Starbucks. Just how many of these ass-bean distribution centers do we need?
Every year around this time it happens. One Sunday around the holidays, at the end of the year, I am flipping through the channels, scanning the Directv program guide when I see it: An NFL Playoff Game. I think to myself "Hell, it’s the playoffs" and I select it from the guide. Here is how the rest of the afternoon winds up:
Ahhh, the DVD movie... What a wonderous advancement in television viewing pleasure. Soon HD-DVD or Blue-Ray will sweep into our living rooms, giving us even better picture quality. I remember when DVD first came out, in all it’s glory...