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STOP FORCING ME TO SIGN THE CREDIT CARD RECEIPT ON A $5 CHARGE!  by Norm In Line At Wendys 4/3/2006 at 17:53
I am getting sick and tired of convenience stores, movie theaters, grocery stores, fast-food outlets, and the likes forcing me to sign the credit card receipt. How F’ing retarded is that?!!!!

Do these people even know WHY we are asked to sign in the first place? It is to give the merchant the ability to CHECK our signature against the card. Honestly, when have you ever seen that happen? Maybe on a $5,000 purchase from Circuit City, but not on a $3 splurge at Mickey-D’s for some cold Chicken McNuggets!

Ok, say I do sign it. Now what. They put ...
 


DRIVING LESSON: HOW TO PROPERLY ENTER THE LEFT TURNING LANE  by Norm In The Car Behind You 4/1/2006 at 17:13
Look at the picture to your right -->

If it took you longer than (1) second to determine that example "A" was correct, immediately remove your drivers’ license from your wallet, cut it up with scissors, and throw it into the nearest trash receptacle. You are no longer allowed to drive on public roadways.

Another quick note: Do not begin to decelerate until your entire vehicle is in the left turning lane. Failure to do so will result in you and your girlfriend getting pistol-whipped and/or drug from your automobile into the roadway and beaten down with a random makeshift ...
 


BLOGCAST: MAR 2006 SHOW NO 2  by The Real Norm 3/27/2006 at 21:20
BLOGCAST DETAILS
DOWNLOAD
SHOW: # 2
DATE: Mar 2006
TOPIC(S): The Sopranos Return, Cheney "The Diva", Indy Car Death -- "It’s What He Would Have Wanted"

TOPICAL LINKS
The Sopranos - Sean Penn’s Anne Coulter Torture Doll - Dick Cheney’s Hotel Demands - IRL Decision To Race Was Wrong - NBF: New Crustacean Found In South Pacific!
 


NBF CAPTIONED PICS!  by Norm 3/20/2006 at 13:40

After being defeated by Neo in the Matrix Trilogy, Agent Smith is finding himself in the middle of some hard times. On the topic of his hard luck, Smith says "I catch myself throwing punches at shadows sometimes. I watched Point Break the other day and when I saw his face I wanted to scissor-kick my T.V... You wouldn’t believe what I had to do last night to get change for laundry".



Left: "Ok, does this one have bird flu?"
Right: "How would I know, I got this job because my grandpa knows President Bush."



Finally! A professional ...
 


TEXT MESSAGING, TEXTING, SMS  by Norm 3/15/2006 at 10:14
Is this you and your friends? If it is, you are a bunch of morons. Using your cell phone’s keypad as a miniature keyboard to type stupid little messages all day to your friends is completely retarded.

I see these fools all around town. In the middle of aisle at the grocery store, they stop, pull out their phone and proceed to type a dissertation to their girlfriend with a keyboard that measures 2mm across. Is it really that important? Wouldn’t a quick 30 second phone call be more efficient than 2 hours of back and forth abbreviated text ...
 


NEW CRUSTACEAN FOUND IN SOUTH PACIFIC!  by Chef Norm 3/8/2006 at 14:47
Divers have discovered a new crustacean in the South Pacific. It looks kind of like a lobster, but has fur. The creature is different enough to have its own family/genus created for it. STORY

My Questions / Comments:

- How long until I can get one of these bad boys at "Red Lobster"?

- What will the new eating utensil look like that will be used to get that fur out of my teeth?

- It is a good thing that this creature, named "Kiwa Hirsuta", does not have eyes. That way my girlfriend won’t tell me "Awww, it ...
 


WHERE ARE THE SWIFT BOAT VETS NOW?  by Norm Kerry 3/8/2006 at 09:59
Remember the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth? Seems like nothing but a foggy memory, huh? These were Senator John Kerry’s ex-Army buddies who decided to start a smear campaign against him because they felt he was lying about his service in Vietnam (to gain an advantage in the Presidential race).

The funny part about all of this, you may be asking yourself? The part that pisses me off? The last update(s) to the website were made in November, 2004. You guessed it. Election week. Mysteriously, after the election, the douches who "had to speak out" against Kerry ...
 


GOLF INNUENDO  by Norm Mickelson 3/1/2006 at 14:14
There is nothing like a friendly round of golf with friends--especially when they get tanked and you end up with the low round. The following are phrases one might expect to hear while playing a round of golf with a group of friends. However, taken out of context the remarks take on a completely different meaning. Enjoy the following Golf Innuendo:


- Just so you know, I leave deep ball marks on the green!

- I’d like to use my mulligan on that tee box!

- I bet it’s hard to get out of that bunker. Look how high the lip ...
 


WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SHE SAYS NO?  by Norm On Knee 2/23/2006 at 15:00
I’ve often wondered how many women actually say "NO" to a wedding proposal? I mean, how many men even ask a woman who they think might say "no"? In this day and age, by the time a man asks it is pretty much a rhetorical question, right? Most of the time they couple is already living together, splitting finances, etc. Here are my Top Ten Things A Man Does After She Says "No" To A Marriage Proposal:


10. Scream "I’m Going To Disneyland" at top of lungs.

9. Think to self "I wonder if her sister would say no too".

8. ...
 


NBF CAPTIONED PICS!  by Capt Norm 2/21/2006 at 16:05


Sure, I have visited Abu Ghraib before. When I was there I grabbed one of the prisoners by the sack, sorta like this. It sounds nasty, but it’s all the rage over there.



While visiting the new meat market on the corner, Choose Your Chicken, Joe is quoted as saying "that’s a nice one right there. Put him in the bag."



Have you seen that guys f’ing nose? You don’t think it is quail-esque?



Really shouldn’t have had Taco Bell last night. Damn those "grilled stuffed burritos".



I looked him in the eye ...
 


WINTER OLYMPICS: NEW SPORTS THAT SHOULD BE ADDED  by Norm 2/15/2006 at 12:04
Olympic "sports" were invented by crazy people. I am sure of it. Here are some examples of things that are considered "sport" in the Winter Olympics:

-"Strap these knives on your boots, and dance on that ice over there".

- "Ok, here is the drill: Lay down on this piece of plywood and go down this water slide, but wait, I am going to freeze it first biotch".

- "Here’s a broom, and a hockey puck. I am going to throw this puck, sweep the ice so that it slides into that circle over there".



Apparently, the crazier the idea, the more ...
 


THE REALISTIC FORTUNE COOKIE  by Norm Suzuki 2/6/2006 at 14:18
How many times have you stuffed your face with pork fried rice, downed (3) glasses of soda, and uncracked your fortune cookie to read something like this: "Great wealth is around the next corner".

Now, how many times has that fortune actually come true for you? For me. Never. They never come true. To spite the fortune cookie industry I am starting a new trend: REALISTIC FORTUNE COOKIES. Here are my ideas for the first batch:

- Troubled Times Are Ahead. Up Your Dosage Of Prozac And Be Alert At All Times.

- Watch Your Wife Around Your Best Friend, You ...
 


GOLF: THAT JACKASS IN THE OTHER GROUP  by Norm Mickelson 2/1/2006 at 11:19
Every few rounds I encounter this jackass. He is either in the group ahead of me, or behind me. These are his characteristics:

He insists on raking the sandtrap for like 5 minutes, even if he just barely stepped in it. What is he doing? Building a sand castle? Maybe if he felt the business end of that rake up against his cranium he’d move a little quicker?

He always brings and old woman and a child, as well. This way every time the group tees off, they get to tee from every available tee box. If there was a ...
 


BLOGCAST: JAN 2006 SHOW NO 1  by The Real Norm Standing Up 1/27/2006 at 12:33
BLOGCAST DETAILS
DOWNLOAD
SHOW: # 1
DATE: Jan 2006
TOPIC(S): Introduction, How NBF Came Into Fruition, current projects, Blog Vs. Webzine, K-Fed "Rap", Movie Reviews: Two For The Money, Red Eye, Dark Water, Half Light.

TOPICAL LINKS
NBF: Bug Glasses - NBF: You Are Not Lance Armstrong - NBF: Saddam Hussein Testimony - K-Fed’s Rap Song - Movie: Two For The Money - Movie: Red Eye - Movie: Dark Water - Movie: Half Light
 


YOUR BUMPER STICKERS DO NOT IMPRESS ME--THEY JUST MAKE YOU LOOK EVEN STUPIDER!  by Norm Again 1/24/2006 at 12:22
Have you seen THIS car before? I sure have. If this is what your car looks like, then read the following NOTICE TO PEOPLE DRIVING A CAR WITH EXCESSIVE BUMPER STICKERS:

Your bumper stickers do not impress me, they just make you look even stupider. If you "would rather be" doing something else, please do it. Furthermore, Jesus does not "rock", and he surely doesn’t "love me". Do you know how stupid you look driving a lifted Nissan Titan sporting giant tires with that "Jesus Is Lord" sticker in your window?

To the lady in the Ford Escort: Where do ...
 


GOING TO THE BIG GAME? BRING YOUR BRASS KNUCKLES  by Norm Wearing Jersey 1/19/2006 at 14:00
Going to the big game is supposed to be fun, right? Then why is it that everytime I go I end up almost pummelling 40 people? THIS IS WHY:

- Going To The Game: Why is there always some retard trying to cut in line for the turning lane at the intersection? Did he not see the line down the block? Hey, douche, why do you think we are all here? For the great view of that bum sleeping on the curb?

I pull into the parking garage, but now I can’t park. I have to wait for this tool ...
 


FASHION TIP: SWEAT SUITS ARE FOR DOING HOUSEWORK IN  by Norm Hilfiger 1/15/2006 at 17:35
Hoodie-Set, Plush Velour, Jumpsuit: It doesn’t matter what you call this outfit--It is a SWEAT SUIT. Under no circumstances is it ok to wear this in ensemble in public.

The first time I saw this trend, I remember thinking to myself: "Wow, a lot of people in my neighborhood jog to the grocery store". Then I thought "Is there a gym around the corner that I don’t know about?". In desperation I pondered "Is there a trailer-park nestled betwixt the Mall and IHOP"?

One day I saw a group of (3) ladies walk by in matching sweat suits. Then ...
 


ONCE AGAIN, WHO IS THE REAL IDIOT?  by Just Norm 1/13/2006 at 10:59
The IDIOT(s): Starbucks. Just how many of these ass-bean distribution centers do we need?
The Real IDIOT(s): You & Your Friends. It’s all your fault. You and your twat-squad show up every morning with some gay book that everyone is reading. You order a "coffee" consisting of: 6 ounces of whipped cream and 16 ounces of cinnamon-infused iced coffee. Newsflash: That isn’t called coffee, it is called a smoothie or a milkshake.


The IDIOT(s): The Mythbusters. Ok, at first this show started out like a good idea. But now, not so much. I’ve never even heard of most of these ...
 


WATCHING THE NFL IS LIKE STARING INTO THE SUN -- EXCEPT THE SUN IS HUMAN FECIES  by Norm Madden 1/11/2006 at 14:08
Every year around this time it happens. One Sunday around the holidays, at the end of the year, I am flipping through the channels, scanning the Directv program guide when I see it: An NFL Playoff Game. I think to myself "Hell, it’s the playoffs" and I select it from the guide. Here is how the rest of the afternoon winds up:


- The Pregame Show: This should be good, right? A bunch of my childhood heroes discussing detailed football strategy? (FFW 15 Minutes). Sadly, I am mistaken. This show is not packed full of football goodness as I ...
 


OPEN LETTER TO HOLLYWOOD ABOUT DVD MOVIES  by Consumer Norm 1/6/2006 at 09:08
Ahhh, the DVD movie... What a wonderous advancement in television viewing pleasure. Soon HD-DVD or Blue-Ray will sweep into our living rooms, giving us even better picture quality. I remember when DVD first came out, in all it’s glory...

Those days are now long gone, however. DVD movies no longer uplift the human spirit. Hollywood, you have turned my DVD collection into a steaming pile of shite.

--------------------------------------------------
What Went Wrong With DVD Movies:

- Menus: Remember the good ol’ days when you popped a DVD in your player, a menu came up, you hit play, and next thing you know you ...
 




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