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Bitch Database FULL

MARCH 2010

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ON HOLIDAY! by Just Norm	8/3/2005 at 10:38

319 Days: The number of days to date that President Bush has spent on vacation while occupying the office of President Of The United States Of America (Story). Let’s see here. He has been President for 5 years now. That works out to 64 days of vacation per year, 5.3 days per month. In comparison, I, like most American workers, accumulate 1 whole day of vacation per month. Now, I’d like to think my job is fairly demanding of my time. I have to be here like 40 hours a week, and I have to drag my ...

INTO THE WEST SPARKS INDIAN OUTRAGE by Buffalo Norm	8/1/2005 at 14:18

The newly released TNT production Into The West has apparently sparked outrage amongst the various North American Indian Tribes. If you didn’t get a chance to watch the 6-Episode Mini-Series Executive-Produced by Steven Spielberg, it was basically 12 hours of pro-Indian rhetoric and proselytization of various Indian beliefs. Pile this onto the heap of White-Man Demonization in the film, and you have a sure-fire recipe for angst in the Native-American community. Now, it seems, some Indians are rebelling against their long-sword keepers, also know as "wasichu". Now I don’t know who wrote the screenplay for ...

HOW IN THE HELL ARE THEY FINDING THEM SO FAST? by Sergeant Norm	7/28/2005 at 10:22

Ok, there are stories all over the news like this, this, and this. WTF? Am I the only one outraged by the fact that British Authorities have been making arrests left and right in connection with the July 7th Terrorist Attack in London? I mean, they just arrested a key suspect in ZAMBIA! Zambia? Let’s think back to 9-11. Do you remember the U.S. making arrests? Sure. I do. LOTS of them. But, how many of these people arrested turned out to be the ACTUAL terrorists involved in the planning/execution of the 9-11 ...

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... by Norm Foxworthy	7/27/2005 at 10:05

...your backyard pool is really the bed of your pickup-truck lined with a tarp and filled up with water from the garden hose. This isn’t photoshop magic people. This picture comes direct from the Associated Press (AP): Story I wonder what Cooter and Bubba are thinking? Just for fun, let’s take a few stabs at it: - "Here’s to good eatin’, and fine livin’. Now pass the potted meat." - "Hey Cooter, you think Wal-Mart has any of those foam water noodles?" - "Bubba, I have to get going, my Sister is coming by for a visit." - "Hey, uh, what time is ...

SADDAM RELIVES CAPTURE ON WITNESS STAND! by Captain Norm	7/21/2005 at 16:20

The following is a NBF colorized transcript of the projected testimony by former Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein: "That evening I had a nice camel steak. I took the meat with some fine Egyptian tea. For a man on the run, it was a good meal. I had just laid down on some straw in the corner of my hut when I heard the faint sound of American warplanes approaching. My heart began to pound, as it did every night I heard such noises. Was tonight the night? Would the infidels ever give up? A few moments later I heard the ...

PHOENIX IS HOT MMM-K (TOP TEN) by Norm Einstein	7/21/2005 at 10:56

phoe·nix also phe·nix ( P ) Pronunciation (fnks) n. Mythology. A bird in Egyptian mythology that lived in the desert for 500 years and then consumed itself by fire, later to rise renewed from its ashes. What’s this mean? PHOENIX IS HOT. Now that we have covered the obvious, in honor of those dying from the heat, here are my Top Ten Last Words Of People Dying From The Heat In Phoenix: 10) "Hey Twitch, do you think we should still be burning this trashfire?" 9) "Oh, PHOENIX! I have been hearing FELIX this whole time!" 8) "I wonder if ...

SOME NBF CAPTIONED PICS! by Norm Of The Rocks	7/14/2005 at 09:37

"Do you know who my f*cking Dad is? Don’t push me, I have a big red button in this suitcase with your name on it." "Hey, a BJ is a BJ!" "OK, where is your tent boys? It’s payback time Bill!" "So, I started using my thumb, sorta like this..." "If this space between my hands represents how close I am to eternal salvation, with the right being far from it, and the left being a demi-god, I’d say I am somewhere around the palm of my left hand."

I AM GOING TO BASH THAT PHONE OVER YOUR HEAD IF YOU REAR-END ME by Norm	7/12/2005 at 11:19

*NEWSFLASH* Today it was confirmed by the Insurance Institute For Highway Safety that driving while talking on a cell phone dramatically increases the possibility of getting into a life-threatening crash. Well, NO SHIT. Lets’s start with *Norm’s Snapshot Of Cell Phone History*: ======================================= Remember when pagers were cool? You know, Doctors, Lawyers, Stock Brokers, they all had them. They were just that damn important. Everywhere these people went they could be reached. And these slick-haired yuppies loved it. They ate it up. They ruled as King, and the pager was their scepter. (2 Weeks Later...) Every punk kid in suburbia now has a ...

OMG, WAS IT RUDY? by Major Norm	7/7/2005 at 15:04

The FBI and British Authorities have confirmed that Rudolph "Rudy" Giuliani was merely yards away from the epicenter of the terror blasts in London this morning. Is this coincidence? I offer that it is not! Rudy (pictured right - in his now infamous "dual hail hitler" salute) is the only major common factor between the 9-11 attack in New York City and the London bombings. I know what you are thinking: Why? Why would Rudy do it? Well, I think Al-Qaeda might have helped him beat prostate Cancer. They obviously have some sort of advanced medicine they are ...

THOSE BASTARDS! THEY KILLED LIMEYS! by Norm Cartman	7/7/2005 at 10:35

Al-Qaeda has struck again, this time in London. So far 33 are confirmed dead, and hundreds injured as (3) bombs were detonated in the "tubes" (Subway) and (1) bomb on a double-decker bus (yeah, like the ones in Austin Powers). Around the watercooler today I have heard some disturbing comments, such as: "Maybe now they have an idea what it is like", or "Maybe now they will support Tony Blair in Iraq". Is that what it has come to? You don’t think our friends in the U.K. understood 9-11, so now (since they have been attacked) they ...

MICKEY D’S NEW THREADS by Norm Diddy	7/6/2005 at 11:35

Look who’s getting some new threads! Ron-dog, my main man! Ah didn’t know ya wuz uh thug! As if it isn’t enough that we can’t understand a word the drive-thru employee is saying (because they are speaking some bastardized form of English), we now get to pull up to the window to see DMX wearing the latest from Sean Jean handing us our fries. What’s next, Tupac gonna toss me my shake? How about Drive-"Thru" shootings? Maybe I’ll fork over a $20 and not get my change back or have a "9" put in my face? In honor of ...

WAR OF THE WORLDS: INVASION OF THE INEPT by Norm Ebert	7/3/2005 at 13:55

Let’s start this bitch of by saying that War Of The Worlds was EXCELLENT. The movie was extremely well done. However, lets face it people, the only reason we avoided extinction is because these Aliens were inept and arrogant. ----------------------------------------------------- Lets take a look at the facts: *- Alien Weaponry And Technology:* This Alien species allegedly planted the Tripods on earth millions of years ago. Are you telling me that Alien technology hasn’t advanced in a million years? These Aliens choose to unearth these Tripod machines they hid a million years ago, instead of using some new Alien technology? How about some ...

TEN COMMANDMENTS? HOW ABOUT FIVE ROBED JACKASSES! by Norm-eelzebub	6/27/2005 at 15:39

Ok, well this really pisses me off. The Supreme Court has decided in a 5-4 ruling that displaying the "Ten Commandments" outside a government building is not inherently a violation of the "Establishment Clause". I don’t understand why these people cant take a step back and look at the basics of this issue. Here is my take: ---------------------------------------------- A) Who are the people fighting to display the Ten Commandments? They are mainly Right-Wing Evangelicals. These people will tell you straight to your face the reason they want the Ten Commandments displayed is because they want to impose their ...

CAN WE GET OFF TOM CRUISE’S ASS ALREADY? by Norm	6/24/2005 at 11:57

Jesus Christ people. We all know Tom is a Scientologist, we all know he is dating Katie Holmes. Can we get off his ass already with all the stupid questions? For the love of god, he is promoting a movie. A movie that looks like it is going to be pretty bad-ass I might add. Every corner this guy turns someone is hosing him down with a water-weenie, confronting him about some cornerstone of his Religion, or chastising him for finding a new woman (Katie Holmes, you can see her tits in "The Gift"). OK, OK, ...

DUNCAN WAKES UP, SPURS WIN TITLE by Air Norm	6/24/2005 at 11:37

Well, looks like Timmy read my earlier bitch about the weak-ass baby-cry style basketball he had been playing, as the Spurs won the NBA Championship last night. Tim was able to step up his game enough to fend of the "Bad Boys". What impressed me most about Tim was that he didn’t come out with a "scorer" mentality. He played his game, night after night, until it came naturally. Lucky for San Antonio it came to him before the series was over. Tim just kept playing his game. Last night he had his standard Duncan numbers, a ...

6TH SEASON SOPRANOS PLOT LEAKED! PRESS MIS-REPORTS AS REAL STORY! by Norm Moltisanti	6/23/2005 at 11:30

Say It Aint So Uncle June! The world was shocked today as news agencies accidently reported the leaked plot to the 6th Season of The Sopranos as a real news story. In the report, Uncle Junior (going by the alias "Ray Killen"), is discovered to be guilty of masterminding 3 racially motivated killings in 1964. The suprising twist is that Junior is sentenced to 60 years in prison for the killings, relinquishing what little control of the "family" he has left to Tony. Most of us who watch the show have known that from time to time there are ...

EARTH MIGHT PURGE ITSELF OF RED STATES! by Blue State Norm	6/22/2005 at 15:53

Finally! Some good news! It appears that sometime in the next 50 years there will be a magnitude 8.0 earthquake in America’s "Heartland". If all goes well, several "Red" states could be completely annihilated! It is about time Earth took this little matter into its own hands! What does this mean for future generations? This quake could give "Blue" states the momentum they need to take control over the House, Senate, and even the Presidency! Furthermore, with more than half of all "Bible-Thumpers" killed in the devastation, the Evangelical Right-Wing will be clamoring to stay in control ...

TIMMY, CHIN UP, IT WILL BE OK by Air Norm	6/17/2005 at 12:21

WTF was this all about last night? Around 4 minutes to go in the 4th quarter, with the game already well out of hand, where is Duncan? He is sitting next to his coach on the sidelines pouting like an 8-year-old who didn’t get his candy bar. I picked San Antonio to win the Championship in November becase I saw a fire in Duncan that I had not seen in recent years. I have a lot of respect for what Duncan brings to the floor. I do not judge a players abilities based on entertainment value. I judge a player ...

ZOMBIES FROM AO-HELL by Techie Norm	6/17/2005 at 10:57

NEWSFLASH: AOL Leads Internet in Zombie Infected PC’s! To most of you, this should be of no suprise. However, there are still huddled masses of i-morons out there subscribed to AOL, convinced it is the only way of connecting to the internet. Most of these subscribers are as zombie-like as their PC’s. Sure, there are a few out there that actually think AOL is a great internet provider. They are the ones that are just so jazzed up by the "keyword" feature, they are willing to fork out $25 a month for dialup access, or worse, $25 on ...

2006 PT HEARSE UNVEILED! (TOP TEN SLOGANS) by Evil Norm	6/16/2005 at 15:20

PT has finally released the design for the 2006 PT Cruiser, or as most of us refer to it, the PT Hearse. Can you tell the difference between the 2005 and the 2006 model? What is that, "No" you say? That is because there is next to no difference. Thankfully Plymouth has opted to stick to its traditional hearse design, and has not altered the original hearse concept in any major way. The PT Hearse quickly came to popularity in 2000, when soccer-moms everywhere where turned on by the idea of carting their children around in ...

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