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Bitch Database FULL

SEPTEMBER 2010

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I WANT MY PRESIDENT TO SLAY RANDOM CREATURES by Norm	8/25/2010 at 15:16

How fucking cool is Vladimir Putin? This guy hunts bears, rips his shirt off every chance he gets, and has people assassinated who piss him off. Now he also hunts whales with a crossbow. Is he Chuck Norris's long lost brother? Do they share super-human genetics? Are they demigods? All I know is I want my President to pick up a bowed weapon from time to time and fucking shoot something. For no reason at all. I want it televised. And I want the world to bare witness. Seriously, what would Osama Bin Laden think if he saw ...

WESLEY SNIPES IS RISEN! by Norm	8/18/2010 at 14:25

THIS STORY has been around for a while, but some of the details of the trial have emerged. Yep. Snipes has effectively told the IRS to go fuck themselves. And, in what can only be described as utter brilliance, he has entered the following artifacts into evidence: Global Tracking Number (aka Social Security) Blood Sample DNA Sample Fingerprint Latitude and Longitude of birthplace African Ancestry documentation You can see where this is going. He's going to challenge the authority the IRS claims to have over him. He's what's called a "tax deniar". If my world history is serving me, Jesus was also a "tax deniar". ...

CAPITALISM: A DOUCHEBAGS STORY by Norm	3/9/2010 at 11:26

Ok Michael Moore. I was with you when you called out GM for being greedy ignorant assholes in Roger And Me. I tried to follow your logic and agreed with a lot of your points around gun violence in Bowling For Columbine. I applauded you in the theater as you showed George W. Bush as the true fucktard we all knew he was in Fahrenheit 9/11. I even sat through, painfully, your healthcare rant in Sicko. But THIS TIME you stepped over the line. The line that divides ...

SIGN TWIRLING FUCK by Norm	12/7/2009 at 19:56

Am I the only one that wants to swerve onto the sidewalk and run this annoying prick over? This guy swings some stupid fucking sign around, in various circus-like manuevers, often yelling out things in the process. Problem is, I, like most drivers, have my windows up so I can't hear a god damn word this fucktard is saying. Furthermore, when was the last time you were driving around and saw a sign for Subway, or T-Mobile, or some other random fucking store, and decided you needed to stop and go there? This has to be the biggest waste ...

TIGER VS. PHIL RIVALRY TAKES ODD TURN by Norm	12/1/2009 at 22:06

The rivalry between Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson took an odd turn today when Phil apparently dressed in drag, donned a Florida Highway Patrol uniform and held a press conference to announce he would be ticketing Tiger Woods for careless driving. I guess somebody is a poor sport when they lose at ping pong?

WHO THE FUCK IS ADAM LAMBERT, AND WHY IS HE ON TV IN THE FIRST PLACE? by Norm	11/24/2009 at 10:04

I keep seeing this article in the news about this gay looking emo dude named Adam Lambert performing at the AMA's. Who the hell is this tool? One of the Twilight fucktards? I guess people are upset at how graphic his performance was, so being the upstanding citizen that I am, I clicked the link to watch the video. What followed can only be described as sheer terror. No, I'm not talking about the stage show. We've already seen people dressed like whores thrusting their junk and pushing random people into their crotch (see Britney ...

BEACH CRUISER DOUCHE ALERT by Norm	11/16/2009 at 09:49

Let me introduce you to the newest douchebag you are probably starting to see around town. This tool lives nowhere near a major body of water, yet he rides around town on a "beach cruiser" bicycle. Further aggrivating his aura of gay-ness, this bike is probably some fruity color, like purple or pink. Sometimes you will even seen a cute little wicker basket hanging off the front of it. Awwww, how cute! Fucking douche. He rides with his chest stuck out, apparently proud of his polished up $50 bike, as if he thinks everyone must think he is just ...

LATE ASS MOVIE REVIEW: DRAG ME TO HELL - NO, SERIOUSLY, PLEASE DRAG ME TO HELL by Norm Siskel	10/22/2009 at 13:18

A talking animated goat, flying illegal immigrants, an eyeball in a piece of cake, a kitty murder, corpse slime, projectile blood vomit: Someone let the interns get their hands on this script. I didn't think anything was ever going to top "Soul Plane", for worst movie of all time, but this piece of shit gives it a run for its money. Where to begin... The movie starts off somewhat promising: A mexican kid drug to hell by some beast. I can get behind that. The rest of the movie = pure garbage. An old toothless ...

ATTENTION CRAIGSLIST "FOR SALE" DOUCHEBAGS by Norm	6/9/2009 at 11:40

To the Poster: I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but don't put your shit up for sale on the internet and then don't return my goddamn calls inquiring about said shit. Furthermore, don't arrange a meeting where I can inspect your property for imminent purchase only for you to not show up at all or be ridiculously late. I'm the one doing you the favor, you know, buying the shit you stole from your parents so you can get more tweak for you and your crackwhore girlfriend. If you didn't post a phone number, don't ...

APPLES PRODUCTS ARE ROTTEN by Norm	5/26/2009 at 14:57

Apple has become so stale and predictable it is actually laughable. I was reading the specs for the new iPod the other day and guess what: it has a built-in camera! YAY! Does anyone know what the difference is between an iPod and an iPhone anymore? Apple seems to think that every device they sell should: Make calls, send texts, play movies/music, take pictures, and run their "apps" (of course!). Whatever happened to just having a phone? An MP3 player? A camera? I've never understood why anyone would want one device which does each thing mediocre instead of simply ...

BITTER TOWARD TWITTER by Norm	5/12/2009 at 12:43

Question: What is Justin Timberlake doing right now? Answer: Who fucking cares. Nobody cares what Justin Timberlake is doing right now, not even Justin Timberlake. I've not wanted to do this, been avoiding it for a really long time, but here goes: Nobody likes you. This is why we aren't involved enough in your life to know what exactly it is that you do with your free time. Desperately blogging about every trivial fucking event in your life, and barraging us with "tweets" doesn't make us care about you or what you are doing. You're a self-obsessed douchebag. We are ...

OBAMA PLEASE! YOU AINT GETTIN’ NO LABRADOODLE! by Norm	1/12/2009 at 13:45

I don't know who Obama is trying to fool, but we all know he isn't getting some fluffy abomination of a dog! Everyone knows that there are only (2) choices of canine for the self-respecting black man: Pitbull or Rottweiler. Come on son, nobody gunna bet their bling on dat!

COMMERCIALS FOR T.V.’S AREN’T MAGIC by Norm	11/25/2008 at 13:27

If you have ever been sitting on your couch and a commercial for a new plasma T.V. came on and you said "wow, that picture looks amazing", YOU ARE A MORON. YOU ARE WATCHING YOUR OWN T.V.! Little Sony gnomes do not quickly install new parts into your current T.V. so that you can temporarily experience what it would be like to have the T.V. they are showing you in the advertisement. If you like the picture in the commercial, all that demonstrates is that you think your current T.V. looks amazing. There is obviously no reason to buy the ...

A GLIMPSE INTO THE FUTURE UNDER OBAMA? by Norm	11/7/2008 at 13:34

Hey Obama supporters: Here's the change you will soon be believing in!

DON’T "PULL AN OBAMA" by Norm	11/4/2008 at 22:02

Let me be the first to say it, I want credit for coining this term!: "Pulling An Obama" = Unrealistically raising expectations of those around you, then disappointing them over time as a means of torture. You can also quickly invoke this phrase by simply using "Obama" as a verb, e.g. "I'm going to obama the hell out of these people" or "Dude, you were just totally obama-ed".

THE DAY FINALLY CAME by Norm	11/4/2008 at 20:31

OBAMA, PUT THE FLUTE (AND THE PIPE) DOWN! by Norm	11/3/2008 at 14:16

Obama, you may have successfully lured 1/2 the nation to the very waters you claim to be able to make "recede", but you haven't swayed me with your "holier than Washington" posturing! I see right through your sly smiles and sneaky glances! I'm that one guy left behind, who isn't feeling your tune, and I'm letting everyone I know to plug their ears to your destructive melodies! I'm not going to make shit up about you to try and keep you down. I don't need to do that. I'm just not going to stand for someone looking me right ...

FELINE FRITTERS? ANYONE? by Norm	10/9/2008 at 10:51

Mmmm... nothing like the smell of fluffy being basted with a nice lemon sauce. Check THIS out! I think eating cats could be an amazing solution to a growing problem in America, feral cats. In hopes that this post sparks an underground movement of Americans willing to solve the feral cat crisis, and take back our streets from these scheming vermon, I offer the following "recipe" for success: First, you will need a quality cat trap. I highly recommend opening a can of tuna and using it as bait. Tuna is like meth to ...

TASTY ROBO-LOLITA by Norm	10/7/2008 at 09:44

Check THIS out. I think this shows great progress on our quest to create fuck-able robots. However, I have a list of questions for the Scientists: 1) Why a 5 year old? Do you at least have an alternate dwarf skin available? 2) Why does the doll have to look retarded? Why couldn't it be modeled after, I don't know, Scarlett Johansson? 3) Let's get anatomical. What's she got under the hood? Adjustable openings? Are the parts easily washable? How many inputs, 2? 3? 4) Can we program her to say whatever we want? For example: "My biddies taste like ...

CONGRESS, CAN YOU PLEASE REMOVE YOUR COLLECTIVE COCK FROM OUR COLLECTIVE ASSES? by Norm	9/29/2008 at 14:38

Can someone please tell the Congress and the POTUS to STFU about the economy already? All they are doing by cock-teasing Wall Street with all this "bailout" talk is fucking the market over worse than it already was. I give you EXHIBIT A. For once I actually believe the administration's standard policy of ignoring problems, at least publically, is actually the way to go on this one. Let's face it, most douchebags in this Country we're already scared to invest their money, now you have Dubya and his partners in crime on T.V. every day talking about ...

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